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RYAN STEVENSON-HOLDING NOTHING BACK
We adopted our two children almost 5 years ago and it was one of the most happiest days of my life. That happiness; however, did not come without many struggles, twists and turns. Even after 5 years we still struggle with our son who is now 10 who suffers the wrath of some questionable choices made for him in the first 5 years of his life. I guess a part of me grieved the loss of my relationship with him as he still struggles to attach to our family. I dreamed of a happy family and two happy kids. In hopes of fulfilling that loss my husband and myself decided to become foster parents again in hopes of adopting a sister for our baby girl (now 7). The last 2 years of fostering has left me angry, confused and uncertain about the path that the Lord has chosen for me. We had placement of a beautiful little girl for about a year and right before she was going to be set free for adoption, a relative stepped forward and took custody of her. She now lives in a different state. Our family was crushed, heart-broken and in despair. Since her leaving we have not been able to commit to another placement for fear of destructing the core of our family. We all lost hope. I took responsibility for leaving my family vulnerable so that I can chase a dream. My kids have been in counseling for several months as have I. My husband altogether has just accepted and moved on. Me; however still live everyday fighting to find my way out of depression. Depressed from the challenges I faced with infertility. Depressed from adopting and trying to help a resistant child who fights our love. Depressed from losing the baby we fell in love with and Depressed because I don't know which way my path is destined to take. The fear of losing another child plagues me every time a foster placement call comes in. I freeze and immediately feel a rush of anxiety and fright which ultimately forces me to decline. I am so lost in this journey and have prayed immensely for GOD to guide me. I feel as if he has not heard me and although I have attempted to let him guide the way, I also feel that he isn't speaking loud enough to me.
Desperate for Peace