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RYAN STEVENSON-HOLDING NOTHING BACK
I have had my ups and downs in life, being in and out of foster homes, going to many schools, but one thing stood strong, my purity. I never dated in high school or college. Last year I met a gentleman through his mother who was my mentor at the time. It was a natural romance that started. It wasn't easy from the beginning but we overcame it. I had him wait for months, even after I loved him. Then I finally gave in. He was older than me and I thought it was the only way to keep him. I also thought he was the one. A couple months later, I found out he had cheated on me when we first got together and ended it when he started falling in love with me, but she contacted him again and it was about to start up. I had always thought I would leave a man if he did that, but I didn't. Later I moved in with him, he owned his own home. Everything was going as good as can be expected, but my mind is my enemy. The devil says horrible things and I often believe them. We started arguing and two months ago, he broke it off.
I am moving out of his house this weekend. I am ready to get out, but I am going to miss living there. See I have always been a nomad and I was okay with it until I moved in with him and I felt like I finally had a home. Now I feel I am a nomad again and I don't want to be one anymore. Not just that but since I have been living with him I have not been able to get over him. I am still very much in love with him.
A week after we broke up he started buying an old friend jewelry and last night he introduced her to his family at a party I was supposed to attend. My heart is crushed. I feel worthless and forgettable. I have been lying to everyone including myself and today I took the stand to finally reach out for help. Over the last two months I have lost a lot of weight due to me not eating. I have to take sleeping pills to sleep at night, but even then they do not work. I sleep all day on the weekends and after work I stare off into space in bed. I cry myself to sleep every night to the point I have a headache. I have been drinking a little more than usual. I never go out, except to church and with the young adult group, but even that takes all my strength. My work performance is lacking what drive it once had. I don't read like I once did. I don't cycle anymore. I just listen to music/SOS and let my mind beat me up.
I know everybody goes through heartaches and stuff, but see I made a promise to God and mainly to myself that I was going to be with one man and one man only. I don't want to have another man know me the way he does. I feel anger towards God for asking me to break my promise, a promise that is me. I mean, without the promise I feel like I have nothing to offer. I feel like my future husband has been robbed by this man who said loved me, but through the whole relationship thought of this other woman. I am scared that God has chosen me to live my life without a partner, and I am only 23. That is a long life alone. I am lost and searching for Him. This is the first time in my life and faith that I have lost hope and faith. I attend Canyon Ridge and have met great people there, but I don't feel at home. I don't feel God standing next to me. The devil has taken all of me through my thoughts, and today I am taking the stand to get myself back! But I cannot do it alone.
I am writing this in hopes that your prayers will help give me the strength and courage to get through this. I know that when I move out, and stop talking to him completely, it will be hard and like the break up just happened, but I am praying and hoping that with the strength of God and prayers from you I can get through it faster once I am away from the situation. I cannot bear to go through this anymore. I am flat on my face with no where to go but up. Thank you for your time and thank you for your prayers!