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CITIZEN WAY-SHOULD'VE BEEN ME
My mom passed away unexpectedly in May of this year. I have had a very hard time with it. I have struggled up and down, almost as if being on a rollercoaster and I have not ridden a rollercoaster, nor do I ever want to because I don't like heights or craziness. I have my good days and my bad days, what is the hardest is the fact that our last conversation was an argument, I never told her I loved her before we hung up the phone and now I will never have the chance to do so again. My guilt is unimaginable and something I live with daily. I moved down to Las Vegas for all the wrong reasons, to try and have a relationship with my father who has told me that I am a disappointment and how stupid I am. I have thought about moving back to where I came from but if I did that right now it would again be for the wrong reasons. I am recently divorced, have a great job but because of divorce and what not can't buy a car. I make a payment on a vehicle that does not belong to me, that does not run great, it stalls out, check engine comes and goes, door won't stay shut, lights come on and off. It is not a good situation. I was baptized in May because I realized God is the only one that will get me through this, though I have not been one hundred percent true to it, times I wonder where he is and why this is happening. I am asking tonight for guidance that I will be able to forgive myself, that there will be some sort of hope and solitude with this. Now the holidays are here and I did not really think it would be as hard as it has been nor did I realize how emotional it would be. I don't know how to get past feeling guilty and am in need of some belief, some hope and some prayer.