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HILLSONG YOUNG AND FREE-NOEL
My husband and I have been married for 3.5 yrs and separated for 9 months of those. It seems like things have barely changed at all since we separated. I've hardly told anyone (accept our bible study) because I felt like I didn't want people to influence us separating further but now I think its more out of shame. I really "had" faith that God would bless our marriage. Now I'm not sure what's up. I mostly go to church alone, read my bible alone, pray alone....and really its always been like that. I hate feeling alone. My husband struggles just to go to church which I've always been clear is so very important to me. I don't want him to pretend to do it but I want to feel close to someone who shares that. I want to draw near to him for that and its just so cold for him.
I have lost respect for my husband due to his lack of work ethic (mostly) andI feel like he takes advantage of me financially and my faith because I've always said I'm not going to divorce him because I know God will bless us.
The financial part started the year we got married. We have 6 children between us (3 and 3) and 2 ex's each. I know, we probably should have never gotten married. The signs were there while we were dating, quite frankly and I prayed to God and said "God if you do not want us to be together please do not let us get married. Because I love him and I know I can't walk away from this on my own."
Now since we've been separated he can't take advantage of me financially but I'm feeling very lonely. i want someone who will want to do things for me to make me happy. I know i can't live based on how I feel. I know this is selfishness and the devil creeping in on my heart.
I do love my husband but to be honest sometimes I don't know why. I hate how I feel and really want to move on. I hate waiting on this miracle that will make us look at each other differently.
We've been in counseling the entire time and I have my moments when it seems like we're getting closer but overall it seems the same. I've decided now to tell people we're separated. No telling people doesn't help me maybe telling people will draw others who can help me. I know I can't tell every aspect of what's going on in our marriage so you can fully understand..I mean, only God can do that. So please don't think badly of me or my husband. I know its just something we have to go thru.
Please pray that I will find hope in our marriage again....