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CASTING CROWNS-UNTIL THE WHOLE WORLD HEARS
Hi my name is Jonathan, and Ive been struggling with my faith and sometimes it feel's like my faith is dead. i listen to sos and your music and the pasture's that preach always helps me build my faith but then out of no where it just gets tared down and trampled on the hinderence mostly and actualy all the time comes from myself. ive heard many times that in order to build my faith properly i must read the bible and i like reading it but ive lost the interest. and whenever i do get excited to read i over exhaust myself and i forget what ive read because as you can see by the way i make my sentences im not very smart lol (btw i forgot wich one of you's hate lol's but there's one for ya LOL 2) and when i read a little i feel like i dont get fed. right before the beggining of 2011 i started turning to God it was great it was more than great it was the best time ive ever had in my whole life time. i had my own personal relationship with the lord, ive learned to love him, myself and others and thats a big thing for me because ive alway's been selfish. 3 months later and it felt like my spiritual fire was fading fast but i would still always hear when god was talking to me and i would cry because i felt like my interest in Him would go away forever and it scared so much. (forgive me if it seems like im trying to act innocent) in the middle of the 3rd month i cant realy remember exactly when but sometime around there ive started to drift away ignoring God little by little each day with distractions all because i got mad at him over the most stupid thing. He tried to warn me about the path i was going down and i thought i was listening, then i got to the point when i didn't even care. Ive lost the hunger fully ive lost my friendship with God which made me realize maybe i never really loved him at all maybe i just thought i did. so Ive lost my way ive went back into the world but even more worst than i was before i would hear him call me but i was to upset at him and stubborn to go back to him even though it was killing me inside to do so. but there was one thing i would never touch again even though i want back into the world and that was marijuana but then i heard of a new legal type of marijuana called spice so i thought "hey might as well since its legal" I MESSED UP BIG TIME! it was even worst than weed (and im not blamming it all on the spice) but ive let myself once again to be entangled by spirits but i also knew what i was doing and i didnt care. not a day went by that i did not think about God or should i say hour. one day when i was smoking spice he was on my mind so much that i got angry and asked Him "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?" and i started cursing Him. some time has passed and ive felt like it was time for me to stop being stubborn and start walking with Him. and that was almost two months ago. now ive got into some arguments my pasture kicked me out of my church i havent asked him to come back because he gave me 4 chances already. a dude that i know asked me to go to his non dinominational church i asked him about it i went i didnt go because i wanted to wait on Gods answer sometime later i run up to him and he call's me back i went i enjoyd myself but somthing didnt seem right but i thought that was just the devil trying to get me out of worship next thing you know he asked me to join there church and i agreed before i asked more about because i just missed the worship and the people there were very nice when he asked me to join he gave me some paper's describing what there church was about and to sing it to show that i was apart of there church but there was one thing that bugged me it said new breed Apostolic ministries so checked online what that meant and i only understood so much of what the website had to say dont i asked my mom and she doesn't even know.
i cant hear Gods voice like i used to anymore and maybe its just i dont care like i should im wrapped up in my own life, ive let go of the things that hold me back from God but still hold them in my heart, my thirst for God is like a wave first its high then its low it comes and go's in the speed of an eye blinking, im lost in fear of not remembering if i cursed the Holy spirit when i was cursing God, i want to know him but yet i dont, and i dont know weather or not to go back to the Apostolic church because i dont want to be mislead and i dont want to mislead my family or anybody else ive prayed but not in faith like i should and when i do its very little VERY! but it say's when two or more are gathered He is in the midst. the problem im haveing most with was when i cursed God and cant remember if i cursed the Holy spirit and i dont want to remeber but my mind keeps bringing me back, my mind and heart are like my two worst enemy's i feel so empty and cold right now. PLEASE PRAY! you have no idea how scared i feel. thank you so so much