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Silent Struggles

I am in a season of my life where I want more than anything to be more like Christ each day. I try to learn His character and His will and show the things of Him that I have been taught, but it breaks my heart that my thoughts don't match up with what scripture says.

I serve in the church, serve on the mission field, study God's word, listen to PodCasts, and just try to absorb as much of Jesus as possible, but feel like I'm coming up short.

I know there is a context to this scripture, and that there are other scriptures to look at too, but this scripture really has my heart broken in a way it hasn't been broken in a long time.

"1 Corinthians 6:9 (NLT)

9 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality,"

It's that last line... what do they mean by practice? I struggle so much with this... I struggle with the thoughts that cloud my head, the ideas that were once acceptable in my old life, that I can't erase from my memory. My goal is to have all my thoughts of God, so I challenge many many thoughts, sexual thoughts I have of the same sex, but then I dream, and I can't stop those thoughts, I can't change those thoughts, I can't stop the chemical reaction that happens to me when I think of the same sex. I can't no matter how much I fight it, no matter how much I read the word, or pray for God to take this perversion away, it's still there.

I don't know why I came on here for prayer, but I'm desperate. Completely desperate... needing a team of people praying for me. I don't know how to talk about it with the people in my circle. How do I tell people how much I struggle with this? How much it haunts me? How much it makes me doubt what I know to be true... How do I believe I'm a new creation when the things that disgust me of my past haunt me in my present?

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