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WHILE I'M WAITING BY JOHN WALLER
Hello, I'm a girl in my 20's and I feel desperate. I don't want to give up on myself with goals for my life and goals for my happiness. It feels like I'm "trapped" in my own life right now with things that I keep going through, and I don't feel as though GOD wants me to be happy b/c everything is not going the way that I would like it to be and hasn't been now for over 6 years. (I have realized for a long time now that I am not in control and that makes me angry because I feel like if I was in control, then things would be better.) Logically I know that GOD only wants the best for me, but I feel like it seems as though he just wants me to be miserable. Its like, in my head I know that GOD wants the best, BUT... my heart doesn't believe it. I'm trying to lay my will and wants down everyday through prayer and my actions, and I realize that GOD is always in control, but it just really depresses me and makes me very sad inside because I feel like the control he wants is not for my best interest. I'm tired of fighting to be happy. I'm tired of feeling trapped inside my own life, and smiling to others while I am suffering in my own private hell. I'm mad at GOD and I don't want to be anymore. I don't want to resent GOD anymore for things in my life that I can't control (like being born HIV positive/losing my mother to AIDS/losing my grandfather and 2 other family members to suicide/being on disability because of HIV/not having the career I want because of disability/being a new single mother to a 7 week old/and feeling angry with GOD) I don't want to give up on my dreams, I just feel so defeated emotionally that I don't believe that GOD will make them come true because they haven't already and it feels like they never will. I don't want to be angry with GOD anymore, I just want things to be easier to deal with because I don't feel like I can handle it anymore.
I want to be at peace with GOD.
I want GOD to not hate me.
I would like situations in life to be better.
I would like GODs love for me to be reflected in my situations in life.
I would like to be happy with myself.
I would like GOD to fix me b/c I feel "broken."
I would like GOD to forgive me for being angry with him, myself, my life, and the world.
I would like the way I feel on the inside to match the way I present myself on the outside.
I would like things to get easier and better for my son, the rest of my family, and myself.
I would like to believe that, with GOD, there is still hope for me to be at peace with everything.
Please Help with your prayers. Thank you. I am sorry for "whining." I am at breaking point, and I'm beyond all human aide for help with my life. Only GOD can fix me.