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Angry and Ashamed of who I am

I struggle in the area of lust. As a girl I used sex to fill a void in my life. When I finally got saved and decided to turn my life around I was a single mother of three. I vowed to God to stay away from sexual immorality until I got married. Long story short, seven years went by and I kept my vow until I got hurt in my church. Unsure of how to handle things, I was in search of happiness and comfort, even if it was just temporary. So I gave into my fleshly desire and lust. The man I was involved with turned out to be married. When his wife called me I was disgusted to find out he was married. I told her that we had not been sexually involved and that we only talked. I lied because I didn't want to hurt her. I told myself that I would end it so that their marriage could be salvaged and I tried to but the stronghold was too great and I continued to see him. After a year I tried to restore my relationship with God and I left that terrible situation. I didn't fully re-commit to God because the desire to be in a relationship with a man was so strong. I found myself in relationship after relationship. Its been so hard to shake this. Its true what the bible says about the demons coming back seven times stronger once you give something up and go back to it after you've been delivered. I fell back into sin almost 3 years ago and so far I've been alone for the past three months, which in my case is a pretty decent accomplishment. But in the three months I have thought about giving up and indulging in my sexual behavior every single day. ITS SO HARD!! Please pray that God will have mercy on me and deliver me one more time. Also pray for me to not be angry with God. For the seven years that I was not sexually active, I prayed everyday for God to send me a husband and He didn't, so when I fell I blamed Him because I felt like He knew I wouldn't be able to handle myself. I am still praying for a husband although I don't know who would want a woman like me. I just wish the Lord would have blessed me when I was working so hard to please Him. Now I think that He is never going to bring me a husband. I feel like I may be paying for my sins for many years to come. I can only take it one day at a time but, please pray that I can continue to stay strong for another three months and another three months after that. I just want to be pleasing to God and be able to die to my flesh. Thank You and God Bless you for your prayers!

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