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Lost as lost can be

I have a child by another man and two years ago met a man I did realize how much he would influence my life he loved my son instantly and me. Unfortunately I was stupid and at the time didn't see it and we separated. All throughout the break up we never let each other go we never let anyone else go either. Finally I realized that I wanted him and realized that nothing else was worth it besides trying to reconcile with him and when I called him to tell him I was almost to late as he was moving on with a date. I told him that I was pregnant and I was not sure who the father was. He thought about it and he decided to come back and we were going to deal with this the way we could. We thought about abortion but were afraid of aborting his child and also what it could do to my body if I wanted to have one with him. We explored early dna testing didn't have the money then finally we trusted my dr. He was the great through out the pregnancy but i guess we forgot the possibility because we both believed and treated it pictures he was in the delivery room cut the cord after he realized she wasn't his. he left after 2 hours and didn't see him until four days later. He was hurt I get that I was hurt to I wanted him and the family we created in our minds. we officially found out the result and still haven't heard from him. Hes a good person and I'm trying to come to terms that hes gone but he asked to see her a few days ago. He adores my other child and my child the same. I just don't understand he came back knowing the possibilities. I just need a prayer that the family that i have wanted for so long isn't gone and if it is then what do i do with this child and my other one i have no job, no money, no income, i didn't get enough diapers at my shower. im trying to pay attention to the signs gods trying to give to me. on top of that i barely have enough gas to get to the hospital as my little girl swallowed poo and has been there in nicu since a week. Shes getting better but im trying to find time to get there and stay there as long as i can but then i get hungry and have nothing to stay there as im trying to get her to feed. This is the biggest struggle of my life as I know that getting over him and trying to move on with my two children is so ugh I don't know. I need god to help me ive been praying all week and all night in the hospital that i was there for two days. I almost thought about giving her up but I don't think i should in fear that i can not find my feet again. Im going to school. so hopefully its good there. I don't want to bring anymore harm to this person i love him and everything hes tried to get me to wake up and realize. I know gods not a dating service but he put this man in my life for a reason so i just hope that he can reach into his heart and heal it and make him realize that i didn't mean for this to happen this way.

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